me

There's a heaviness that's weighing me down - perhaps I have too much that I expect myself to be able to do, too much that I expect others to expect me to do. Third time a charm - I am utterly frustrated and angry about my condition, but at the same time, it almost feels like this is the only time that I can allow myself not to do anything. I would feel guilty relaxing otherwise. And even now, her voice is there, both in the tangible and intangible form, telling me that I am too weak to do what I am suppose to, that she doesn't believe I can get sick this many times with my "limited" work load. I am so tired, I just want to be left alone, I can't stop crying. I want to punch something. I am in pieces, and I need to pick myself up. Tomorrow. Soon. There's a deadline. I am competing with her - and I can never quite catch up to her. And I am tired. And I am scared. And I am angry. And I wish I had lots of money. And I am tired.